Almost everytime I enter a relationship, or meet new people or whatever; I seemed to always be asked the same questions.
One of the main questions is ‘Who’s the woman in the relationship?’. The question itself varies. Sometimes ‘whoes the man’ or ‘whos the bitch’, but the point is all the same.
The question itself is, I think, very stereotypical. Just by asking the question your applying the conforms of a hetero relationship: that is, a traditional 1 man, 1 woman hetero relationship.
It’s with views like this- heteronormative concepts that negative stereotypes are kept alive about ssa sommunities.
The sad thing is, it’s often the gay’s and lesbians who also go by these rules. I’ve been asked countless times by members of my own queer community who the woman/man is. The fact that members of our own community- who in one sense fight for freedom from heteronormatives- also conform to them.
The simple truth is (and I usually give this answer), is when I’m in a gay relationship, its a gay relationship. That means that both parts are gay, both are men. While one of them may be more feminine, or one more musculine, doesn’t make either part a woman.
I wouldn’t enter into a gay relationship if I had the preconceived idea that someone was going to play out the role of a ‘woman’ and one the ‘man’.
Usually the question is [especially when asked by a straight guy] who the WOMAN is. I think this in itself is somewhat significant. By asking who the woman is, it’s being sexist towards women. It is saying that women are less equal to men in relationships. This is generally because the qeustion is asking who the submissive ‘queer’ is. It’s calling into question the guys muscilinity; saying that a bottom, or a woman, or however you view it- is less of a man.
The question itself is often tied down with ‘Who’s the bottom’. That is to say, the woman is usually the woman (in this conceived idea). I like this idea even less than the original. This is thinking that straighter acting guys don’t enjoy/do/like receiving when it comes to bum sex. It also comes with connotations that feminie guys can’t be tops, or ‘men’.
It plays a part in the gay community of looking down at people who do bottom. While a girl in ’straight world’ is a slut if she sleeps around, so to is a guy if he bottoms. If a guy- in either world- penetrates then he’s cool.
I don’t mind if people ask the question ‘are you top of bottom’- it leaves open an honest answer. And it doesn’t usually apply the ‘woman’ or ‘man’ ideas, and if it does then it leaves it open for talk. Also, I like to think that people can be truly versatile. So where does that leave them in the woman/man scenario.
I understand that, growing up in a hetero world, often people don’t seem to have the brain power to break the traditional views that we know; but I urge all of us from now on to think of a relationship; of people- than more than we know! We’re not all men, we’re not all woman; we are all individuals.
Do you get asked who the woman/man is? Do you get asked who the bottom/top is?
What do you normally respond?
Filed under: Thoughts | Tagged: asked, bi, bisexual, bitch, bottom, community, conform, conforms, fem, feminine, fuck, gay, hetero, heteronormative, heterosexual, lesbian, man, musculine, queer, question, relationship, relationships, sex, slut, sterotype, sterotypical, straight, submissive, top, tran, trans, transexual, versatile, whore, woman
there are never women in my relationships, im gay, gay = two men
What I find most interesting, Brodhe, is that it’s mostly gay people that make this assumption. As you said, sexual roles is one thing. But to think a gay relationship operates on the same mechanics of a heterosexual relationship is just silly.
My partner is a rather androgynous woman, so people often tell me that they “know who the man is” in my relationship. People are so heteronormative that they even have to heterosexualize our gay relationships. It’s pretty damn annoying. Thanks for this great post!
Why are definitions of people in relationships based upon sexual positions within a sex act. For example who is the bottom or top, who is the woman (I assume the receptive position) in a relationship? I think such definitions would be more relevant if the human race spent most of every day in a sex act, rather than relating at different levels and performing different tasks.
Who is the woman in an emotional relationship? in a lesbian relationship (even a ’sexless’ one) can’t they both be women? (however you may define woman)